When Healing Doesn’t Look Like You Thought It Would

Grief and growth don’t cancel each other out.

They can — and often do — live side by side.

That truth rings true for me personally, and it’s something I see often in the work I do with clients.

There’s a myth that healing happens after the crisis. After the dust settles. After the hard part is over. But the truth is, the process of healing — and even growing — often starts in the middle of the pain.

What Does It Mean to Grow Through Grief?

It means:

• Feeling your pain fully, without getting stuck in it

• Making meaning out of suffering, even if it’s messy and nonlinear

• Letting go of what no longer serves you, while honoring what you’ve lost

• Becoming someone deeper, wiser, and more grounded — not in spite of your pain, but because of what you’ve walked through

This process is often called post-traumatic growth, and it’s real. It’s not about silver linings or toxic positivity. It’s about honoring both the ache and the becoming.

Mental Health Tips for Navigating Grief and Growth

If you’re in a hard season right now — or walking alongside someone who is — here are a few things that may help:

1. Make space for both.

You don’t have to choose between crying and laughing, between being strong and falling apart. Let the full range of your experience be welcome.  Wherever you are at any moment is exactly where you are supposed to be. 

2. Track small signs of growth.

Keep a “resilience journal” or jot down one moment each day where you showed up differently. Growth often hides in the small things.

3. Practice nervous system regulation.

Grief lives in the body. Gentle practices like breathwork, Brainspotting, listening to bio-lateral music, or simply placing a hand on your heart can help soften the edges of pain.

4. Stay connected.

Talk to someone you trust. Let yourself be seen in the middle of it. Isolation amplifies suffering; connection helps us metabolize it.

5. Ask yourself, “What is this asking me to become?”

That doesn’t mean the pain is purposeful, but it can shape you. Let the experience teach you what matters, what’s ready to shift, or what needs tending. Practice letting go by filtering out what is not in your control so that you can focus on what is - this moment and what you do with it. 

You’re Already Growing 

Every time you face what hurts, every time you let yourself feel, every time you soften instead of harden — you are becoming something new.